The Most Avoided Leadership Skill
We’ve all had critical leadership conversations and if we are honest, at one time or another we’ve avoided them, handled them poorly, and sometimes done a pretty good job. Maybe we danced around the issue and not made things clear. Maybe we put them off, especially in a season of leadership fatigue. Maybe we charged in amped up on mountain dew and emotions escalated without resolution. Whatever the case, all of us probably could brush up on our critical conversational skills.
Some people call them crucial conversations, fierce conversations, or critical conversations. No matter what title you give them, as a leader, they are necessary and inevitable. They can be challenging and uncomfortable, and might be harder to initiate depending on the season you find yourself in. To make matters worse, they can sneak up on us mid-way through a conversation and catch us off, guard. They are often layered and complex, and if handled poorly can negatively impact your organization.
One great definition for crucial conversations from authors Patterson, Grenny, McMillian, and Switzler is a discussion between two or more people where (1) the stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong. Susan Scott, who wrote Fierce Conversations, defines them as authentic conversations where an issue or a challenge is identified in a respectful way, understanding and resolution are sought, parties come to an agreement, and an agreement is made to hold one another accountable.
In Jesus Life Coach, by Laurie Beth Jones, unpacks a model Jesus gave us in the gospels for crucial conversations. Jesus didn’t back down from asking powerful questions that brought great clarity to a situation. Questions like, “Who do you say that I am, what do you want me to do for you, and do you love me?” The Lord has a way of asking us direct questions that get right to the heart of the matter, doesn’t He? Why? Because He loves us enough not to leave us in our current state. And that is probably the most compelling reason why we as leaders need to be good at having crucial conversations.
We know how important crucial conversations are but what is the best way to handle them? One great model in Fierce Conversations starts by asking you to assess the reality of the situation:
Clarify the issue
Determine the impact if not addressed
Determine your personal contribution
Describe the ideal outcome
Commit to action
After you have assessed the reality of the situation, here are conversational steps:
Clearly name the issue in a respectful way
Share an example
Clarify what is at stake
Identify your contribution
Indicate your wish for resolution
Ask for their perspective
Move toward resolution
Discuss options and/or agreed-upon actions
When done well, crucial conversations have the power to move you toward your goals. Be clear about your intention and desired outcome, be respectful, ask effective questions, be a good listener, and seek resolution.
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